Time

I've never agreed with the saying that "Time heals all." Time so often makes things worse or just doesn't do anything at all. This probably sounds ridiculous coming from a teenager so let me save myself before I lose you all by saying I do know there is truth in the help that Time brings. When something painful occurs, whether physical or mental, it's all you can think about, all you can feel. But with Time, it becomes background noise and new happenings grab your attention. Still, I don't believe that Time heals. Time is more like the band-aid that doesn't do much but cover up the wound for a while. Time never makes wounds go away, it just makes them less important than the new ones always coming in.

Maybe having a brachial plexus injury has made me a bit more pessimistic about Time. Time hasn't healed me and if I don't take care of my shoulder, it will actually make it worse. But this is all ridiculously negative! My left arm was practically paralyzed when I was born. I've grown up to be the monkey bars champion in elementary school, a pitcher in softball, and now a yogi. People no longer ask me why I only pump one arm when I run. I don't have to pass on playing the pattycake hand game anymore because I can't turn my hand over. And most importantly, I've learned the best ways to live with my brachial plexus injury everyday.

I don't give Mother Time credit for all these accomplishments though. I can tell you that Time will make this easier as you grow up, even if only because you will learn to accept yourself and the special ways you do things. But Time won't solve your problems for you. Time will not give you the better range of motion that physical therapy can. Time will not give you the perseverance that is so necessary with these injuries. Time won't heal all. But if you find that perseverance, a band-aid is all you will need :)

Yoga

In my efforts to start this year off right, I went to yoga a few days in a row with my sister before she left to go back to college today. Being on winter break from school, I haven't had much soccer so it was great to get my exercise and spend my last few days with my sister. As I've said before, I've been doing yoga off and on for a while but I haven't in a while because of soccer. The past few days got me thinking though.

The first two days we went to classes by the same teacher who had been my instructor only once before and quite a while ago. He always goes up to everyone before and introduces himself and asks if you have any injuries he should know about. I remembered appreciating that because it saves me from the often confused glances I later receive when the instructor notices me doing a one-handed downward-facing dog. He didn't remember me from the last time I'd been to his class (understandably since it had been months) so he asked my name and I told him about my shoulder injury. He told me what he told me last time and what I've been told many other times, that I need to open my shoulders and squeeze my shoulder blades together behind my back which I've been working on. So the class started and I modified as it went through as I always do but even more this time because me and my sister had accidentally gone to the wrong class, one that was a higher level and often depended on shoulder strength that I obviously don't have. It was hard but I still felt good afterwards and realized that it was actually probably good strengthening for my shoulder. I decided I should maybe push myself to that level more often, even if I have to modify every other pose.

The next day, we went to a different class, not realizing it was with the same instructor. Before the class, he of course came up to me and I reminded him my name but this time he remembered me and my injury from the day before. He told me that he didn't understand the extent of my limitations at the start of class the day before and that he had been very surprised with my ability to modify and use my right shoulder to compensate. He asked more details about my injury and seemed intrigued by the whole thing. He was truly impressed and told me to just keep doing what I was doing. The class was great.

The last day (yesterday), my sister and I went to a stretching class because I was really sore from doing double workouts of soccer and hot yoga the previous two days. In front of me in that class was a girl around my age who was clearly an athlete. As the class went on, I realized that months ago I looked exactly like her when I was just starting to try yoga. I have learned that yoga is really about the little things you adjust: the alignment of your hips or the curling of your toes or the bend in your knees or the deep inhales and exhales of your breath. As an athlete, when I started yoga I didn't know this and in the poses we flowed through, I would try and get the furthest I could, not realizing that I should have been focusing on these little adjustments instead of trying to get my forehead all the way to my yoga mat or twist my body all the way to the side. I saw exactly that in the girl in front of me and I looked in the mirror at myself and saw the transformation I had made. And I remembered how impressed the instructor from the day before had been and how when I was in his class months ago, he clearly wasn't. I haven't become a yoga master or gone every day or accomplished anything major, but seeing that transformation in the mirror yesterday was just enough. For once, I had beaten the odds against my brachial plexus injury.

A New Year

2013 is almost over, making these few days a time to reflect on the past year and move on and look forward to the next one. Everyone always looks back and says it's been a crazy year. Which is true. Every year is and has been and will be in its own crazy way. But I think, though it can be hard, the end of the year is a time to look forward rather than look back because looking back often holds us back too. This year is ending and that's that. It has been what it will always be and what we must focus on is the year to come and how we can make it better than this last one.

I haven't really thought about this next year much besides the stress of the end of this semester and then AP tests and then the end of the school year and the hopefully blast of a summer that will follow. But what I think people so often forget to think about for the next coming year are the little things. We resolve to eat better and exercise more and work harder and be a better person but these are all big concepts that are built up by the little ones. What will we eat? How will we motivate ourselves to get out and exercise? What type of exercise? What aspects of our work or school work will we try to improve upon and how will we do it? And finally how do we plan to be better people? We can always be better and there are often too many aspects to improve upon so which small actions will we take to better ourselves and our surroundings as a result? We have to find these answers so we can build up to our big resolutions. We can't start this new year with these big ideas in our heads and expect everything to work out. This is why so many New Year's Resolutions fail to become a reality. The details are always what matter in the end.

I hope all of you find successful New Year's Resolutions and plans to make them true. One of my resolutions counts on all of you who read this blog. When I started, I hoped to reach out to many people and hear back from them in return. I'm resolving to work harder to reach out to all of you but I can't really do that without your help. Please feel free to comment on anything on this blog or message me privately on the right. I'm open to any suggestions or questions and I truly hope that I can help even just one person. That's my resolution so I hope you can all help me make it a reality. I would love to hear from every one of you. It's a new year with new opportunities and I hope it's a great one for you all. 

Scars

The lovely reminder that always comes with surgery. Scars. I have 2 scars on my left shoulder; one on the front above my armpit and another in my armpit that extends to the back of my shoulder. They've faded a decent amount in the 11 years since my surgery but they're definitely still there and noticeable. They're only visible in certain tank tops or of course in a swimsuit or strapless shirts or dresses. I used to avoid wearing those types of tops because people would always ask about the scars and I hated getting into the whole complicated story just because I wanted to wear a certain tank top. It was even worse when they would just stare at it too afraid to say anything. It wasn't worth it. So I didn't wear them and when I had to I would try to cover my shoulder with my hair, etc. But after a while it didn't bother me anymore and I stopped caring what scars showed when I wore certain things. People could ask and people could stare but if I wanted to wear a strapless dress, I would. I started to forget about the scars and stopped worrying every time I picked out a shirt in the morning. It didn't matter anymore. I realized I was proud of my scars. Barely anyone I knew had ever had surgery and I was proud that I had scars to show my strength through mine. Because everyone thinks that scars show weakness but it's the exact opposite. By definition, scars are your body healing itself. My scars show how my body has fought to heal. It's fought to repair and make my life just a little better through the adjustment of my shoulder. My scars show my body's strength and since I realized that, I've never been ashamed of them again. 

Community Day

This week at my school we had something called Community Day. My school is known for being a non-traditional high school and a very accepting community and recently many people have complained that that atmosphere is disappearing. Because of this, they fought to bring back Community Day which they've had at my school years ago. It's a day to reflect on the special community our school has and to recognize its issues that we need to work to resolve. We have a couple assemblies and we do activities with one of our classes. The activities really remind you that you're not alone in whatever you're struggling with and that you have a lot in common with people you never thought you would. We did an activity called "Cross the Line" which is in Freedom Writers if anyone's seen that movie or read the book. There's a line of duct tape across the classroom and there's a facilitator that reads a statement and if the statement applies to you, you cross over to the other side of the line. Then everyone goes back to the same side of the line and a new statement is read and so on. With many of the statements, it's extremely surprising how many people cross the line, with or without you. For me, it was a huge reminder that everyone has skeletons in their closets and that it can be really hard to show them to people but most are braver than you think and will open up. It shocked me because I've never been one to open up to people. I was really proud of everyone in my class during that activity as I watched people cross over for some painful things, even if they were alone at first (not one statement was read where only one person crossed over). Community Day overall just reminded me that no one's alone. You'd be surprised how many people are going through something similar or feel something similar that you're feeling right now. If your brachial plexus injury is your struggle, that's hard to believe because the world isn't exactly full of us. But as unfortunate as it is, something else I learned on Community Day is how few people are happy with their bodies or the way they look or their abilities. Though people might not know exactly what it's like living with a brachial plexus injury, most people know what it feels like to feel inadequate or different or unable to do something that someone else can. So remember that people are always there for you and will understand. And remember to be there for other people as well. Your advice or hug or listening ear could mean the world to someone and you'd be surprised how willing people are to open up to you if you show them you're willing to listen. It's a two-way street. 

You're in Control

Some of the best advice my dad ever gave me is that no one else determines how you feel. You and only you are in charge of your emotions and that's that. It is up to you how you allow other people's words and actions to affect you. That's a choice. Now that might sound crazy. It did to me. I was in seventh grade when I heard it and I didn't believe it. I thought, when people say things to me, it automatically sparks a reaction in me without a conscious decision. And that's true. And especially in middle school, those reactions are hard to change or get rid of because for some reason they decided to make an entirely different school level for the worst age group so that they create a totally warped concept of reality for themselves. I'm sure there are reasons but I just don't see how it could possibly be a good idea. Kids are nasty in middle school. Insecurities control you and they drive people to exploit everyone else's to avoid attention to their own or dealing with their own. So when this situation is at its height, you can imagine how I couldn't really comprehend the idea that I controlled my own emotions. It just didn't seem plausible when I was immersed in this. Because that's truly what middle school is. There are no specific scenarios that occur. It's literally just this feeling because you're separated from reality so everyone is just so different. So how was I supposed to control how I felt? Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's how I would describe it.

But I started to think about it...that I had control over how I feel and no one else. And I honestly think it's what got me through middle school with my head held high. Now, I'm not saying I was suddenly above all the horribleness of middle school. I got caught up in it all just like everyone else but I came out of it a better person I think. Because within me I knew that what people thought or said about me didn't matter as long as I was happy. And as cheesy as it sounds, it's true. This is your life and no one else's so they are your feelings and no one else's. Your choice and your decision.

I think this idea applies really well to how I live with my brachial plexus injury. People can say what they want to me about it, they can look at me funny for it, but I stopped letting it affect me. I am my brachial plexus injury and I honestly think it's the one thing about myself that I actually accept the most. I was born with it and it will always be a part of me so let them talk and let them stare, this is me and I'm okay with that.

I think lately I've lost sight of the gradual growth I had after that advice though. Not necessarily with my brachial plexus injury but just with myself in general. High school is hard just like middle school and the rest of life will be too and everybody loses sight of the control they have over their own emotions. Sometimes we just have to take a breath and remember it...remember that we're in charge.

Explaining

When you meet anyone, there always comes the time when something happens that forces you to explain what's up with your arm. Sometimes it's literally how you meet them if that's the first thing they notice and ask you. With other people it can take months or even years, depending on the extent of your injury. I've had friends I've known since elementary school all of a sudden be like "....what?" Usually I just laugh in those situations, surprised it took so long for such a big part of my life to come up. But depending on how you know the person and what you do together and how much time you spend together, it might take a very long time to come up. And that's just fine. In fact, sometimes it's great when someone just sees me as a whole, normal body. Then again, it's kinda refreshing to start off a relationship with someone by just getting that out there so the awkward "How come you never told me?!" doesn't occur.

No matter what, it usually comes up somehow. For me, people notice my scar from surgery or they ask me to do something that's not exactly possible with my brachial plexus injury like flip over my hand or raise my arm above my head. In sports, people would always notice cause I used to run with my arm just glued to my side like it was in a sling. Sometimes I saw the inevitable question coming from a million miles away and I'd explain before they could even form the question. Others, I wouldn't even notice that it had suddenly become obvious and the question would catch me by surprise. Still, it's never exactly a shocking question when you've heard it hundreds of times: "What's wrong with your arm...?"

Then comes the question in your head about how to respond. It's become an instantaneous reaction for me, barely even a conscious thought. Of course, I don't always say the same thing depending on the person and the situation but even that decision has become instantaneous. It's like how you don't talk to your parents the same way you talk to your friends, it's not a conscious decision you make every time you open your mouth, it's pretty natural. My response can range from "It's a long story" to "I have a shoulder injury from when I was born" to "A nerve ripped in my shoulder when..." and go through the whole scientific story and how it happened when I was born and everything. I'm not gonna say the same thing to the girl on my soccer team who asks in the middle of the game as I do to my best friend.

I'm usually pretty open about explaining my brachial plexus injury but you don't have to be. You have no obligation to explain it to anyone. No matter what, it doesn't dictate who you are or the relationships you have with people. You decide the story you tell and how much you tell, but in my experience, I think it's always good to just be honest and get it all out in a way that isn't confusing for the other person but so that it tells enough to explain. And it's been my experience that if you say it confidently and brush it off, they often don't bring it up again or ask many more questions. That's how I like it to be but when you are presented with the opportunity to explain your brachial plexus injury, choose your words wisely based on what you want that person to understand. It's always your choice and remember that when someone asks, they're just genuinely curious like you are when you simply ask how your cousin broke his leg.