Just Talk

I spend a lot of time avoiding talking about my injury. It's always such an awkward subject because it's so rare and personal and confusing so I usually try to avoid it. Despite my efforts, it of course has to come up a decent amount. Especially when my mom's around...(I love you mom). But no matter how many times I've told the story of how it happened and what it means, etc., I don't think that really qualifies as talking about it. Once it's origin is clear, people tend to stop asking questions. I guess it sounds like (and in all honesty, is) a touchy subject so no one dares to probe further. But it's important for me to talk about it beyond the simple story. This blog was started to help all of you but in the process I found my own therapy. BPI is not an easy subject to talk about. I'm not sure it ever will be either, at least for me because it doesn't matter if I post an essay on here every week, writing isn't the same as looking someone in the eye and telling them how my injury has totally altered my life. So maybe I need to start talking about it. Last week, I did kind of talk about it. My sister has been struggling with a shoulder injury from water polo and after telling my mom all of the ways it has restricted her, she turned to me and said "I've gained a lot of respect for you, Lise." I guess after weeks of dealing with pain and limitation affecting her everyday life, she had related it to me. She understood it wasn't the exact same thing but that didn't matter. I'm not sure my mother or sister realized but the short and simple conversation it started meant a lot to me. We just started talking a lot about my injury and it's the most in-depth conversation I think I've ever had about it. I tried to explain to them a lot of aspects I don't think anyone understands about living with BPI and just seeing their listening faces was another form of therapy. The thing about having a birth injury is that when you're young, you're either too little to understand it and then later you're still too little to really talk about it and for people to really imagine that it's a major factor in your life. A lot of people expect that we are used to it and that's by no means an incorrect assumption but just because we're used to it, doesn't make it easy. There are many ways in which it only gets harder. The point is that BPI is not about who or what destroyed your shoulder and how it generally physically affects you. As I've said before, it's always about the little things that no one else even thinks about. I just think it's important not to focus on it's background and physical effect but the way in which you approach it so you can stop it from affecting your mental health as well. I promise there are people who want to listen to all that you have to say about it...beyond the "how it happened." I'm one of them. It doesn't have to be awkward, you simply have to talk. It's all about the details...don't forget about the details.

It's so late, I'm sorry this so jumbled...thank you for sticking with me. 

Rethinking

I might be just missing my Sunday deadline (even on the east coast) but just a quick thought.

People are almost always better than they seem...I think sometimes spending our lives in the same routines in the same places with the same people make us forget this. At least I forget it. I often find myself resenting people before I talk to them and holding grudges for far too long but I need to start reminding myself that most people are truly good people. I've been on a trip with my mom and the number of random and surprisingly kind people that we've run into is much larger than I would have ever expected. I need to stop telling myself that people are bad because I've only been focusing on the wrong people. The bad is always easier to remember but I'm vowing to make the Norwegian mother and daughter, the nice couple with the pit bull, and the refreshingly cheerful toll worker stick in my mind. People mess up and say bad things and do bad things but that doesn't make for bad people. They do a lot of good too. So try and remember with me all the wonderful people you talk to everyday, ran into only once, or even those whom you haven't seen in far too long. They have helped you and will help you and they are the people who get us through the hard stuff every day. They are the people we have to remember. People are good. 

Identity

This weekend at my sister's college graduation has been a lot of listening. From countless conversations with parents and friends that I don't really know (and probably never really will know) to speeches upon speeches, it has been a lot of listening. But not pointless listening. Not just background noise to the food I'm eating or the thoughts about how uncomfortable this chair is, but noise worth listening to, worth paying attention to. Noise worth hearing.

One speech made by the class orator spoke a lot about identity and about the general direction in which our world is heading to change relations, stereotypes, and discrimination by race, gender, and sexuality. But I think what he said can apply to more than those groups. I think we can easily apply it to our "identity" as BPI's. The orator preached that we need to stop focusing on what makes us different and rather focus on how we are similar. So much of living with a brachial plexus injury is recognizing how we are different and how that is affecting us. But we forget that we're really not all that special. That we can identify with a brachial plexus injury but really we should identify with everyone. Because no one is perfect. No one is happy with everything about their body. No one is capable of doing everything. Everyone does things differently, and that makes us the same. In order to change this world into a more united one, we need to start noticing this. We have to start noticing that segregation didn't end 50 years ago. That we all segregate ourselves by our "identities" every day. It's okay to be similar to someone other than those with whom you identify. It's okay for us to stop making groups for ourselves, for us to start forgetting about our differences and start recognizing our similarities. 

Uneven

I think one of the reasons it's hard for people without BPI to comprehend what it means for those of us that do is because they see it as an isolated problem. A simple shoulder injury that affects only actions in need of a left (or right) shoulder. But that's not the case at all. Not only does it affect my hand, elbow, fingers, and general strength but my brachial plexus injury also slightly throws off my entire body. My back is affected, my neck is affected, my hip, even my legs! My BPI doesn't just restrict me when I need two arms but in many other situations. I've been noticing this in yoga lately. Pretty much every yoga pose, or at least a variation of it, is made awkward by my left shoulder. From warrior two to downward dog to tree pose to even forward fold and child's pose! Focusing on my breath in yoga is made difficult by the constant attention that my uneven body demands. And these continuously uneven poses are most likely only throwing off my body even more. My downward dog leans and my forward fold stretches my right leg more than my left. Besides yoga, carrying  more than two things quickly gets uncomfortable, pulling up my pants is uneven, shampooing my hair, driving, even sleeping. Noticing my unevenness makes me claustrophobic in my own body and let me tell you, that is a horrible feeling. BPI would be easier to deal with if it was only detrimental for my shoulder. I really wish it was. And I wouldn't expect anyone without a brachial plexus injury to realize that it isn't. But maybe this helped those of you understand a little better.