a short sentence for a late night

"what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be"

Sleeping

Being as I'm extremely tired, this seemed like an appropriate topic. I'm sure many of you know that it's better to sleep on your back rather than your side...I learned this just months ago and was pretty upset because I always sleep on my side. But I did start trying to sleep on my back and I found that whenever I did, I felt much better the next day. I think especially with my BPI, it's better for my back and shoulder to sleep on my back. Sleeping on my side rolls my shoulder forward even more and I think that might even be contributing to that annoying habit. I'm going to try to start sleeping on my back as much as possible even though it's difficult because I never stay in the same place all night. I encourage you all to try sleeping on your back too because I really do think it makes you feel better, BPI or not. Sleep well everyone and have a great week!

My Biggest Regret

A couple weeks ago I said I couldn't think of a regret regarding the way I grew up with my brachial plexus injury. But I think I've figured it out now. I can't pinpoint the exact time or an exact moment because I was young and it was a certain gradual process that I regret so I guess that's why I couldn't think of anything before. But, my big regret is allowing myself to slowly use my left arm less and less.

After I stopped going to physical therapy, I got to a point where I didn't see why I should keep trying to do everything normally because it didn't feel possible most of the time. I was tired of being disappointed in my inability to use my left arm in most situations so I just stopped paying attention to it. I don't wish I'd kept going to physical therapy or that someone was always reminding me to eat with my left arm or stretch my left arm because I probably would have just come to resent it even more but I do wish that I myself hadn't given up. I stopped trying because it felt impossible and I've always thought that was the stupidest way to live life. How do you know something's impossible if you don't try? And why stop doing something you want or something that's good for you?

I don't think I gave up on purpose. I don't remember ever making a conscious decision to try and just forget about my left arm and do everything I could with my right one but subconsciously over time I gave up. I was afraid of failure and all that and that's my biggest regret. Because if I hadn't given up on it, if I had kept trying to use my arms like any normal person, I think I would be more comfortable with my left arm and it would be in better shape. 

When I did my two week project of trying to use my left arm more, I was embarrassed and uncomfortable all over again. I felt like a little girl trying to learn how to use her arm properly and I hated it. It was like I was back in elementary school attempting to be normal. If I had stuck with it when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't be going through it once again. It's strange to look back and wonder how different I would be if I had kept my life revolved around my arm. In a way, I definitely grew as a person on my own because I kind of left it behind. I didn't let it hold me back because doing everything with my brachial plexus injury in mind was not only draining, but limiting. So maybe I don't regret it. But I'll never know how things could've ended up if I had stuck with it. I just have to hope that none of you give up on yourselves because you think something is impossible. If something is important to you, you have to try! To be fair, sometimes you don't realize that something's important until much later like I am right now so that makes things complicated. Either way, you'll turn out fine as I would have and as I did :)

Changing Routine

Even after the end of the two weeks of trying to use my arm more, I've kept it going. I've honestly found it fun...I don't know why because it started out awkward and embarassing but the longer I've been doing it, the more fun it's become. Maybe it's because I kinda feel like I'm a little girl again because I'm relearning how to do normal things everyday. I've gradually avoided the use of my left arm more and more since I was younger. About since the time when I stopped going to physical therapy I think I stopped caring so much about doing everything normally because it had gotten to the point where I didn't really believe that was possible most of the time like I've talked about before. But now I like using my left arm. It makes things new and different and makes me switch it up which is always good in life in anything. Getting to the point of following a routine over and over makes life no more fun! Every day's gotta be different. I'm enjoying changing it up and it's good for me too :)