Defensive

Ironically, talking about improving my injury is never fun. I've only recently noticed my immediate defensiveness, though I'm sure I've done it for much of my life. Whether it's a comment from my mother, a friend, or a stranger, I resent it. I shut down. It could be a new exercise, a new surgery, a new doctor, a new form of medical attention, it doesn't matter; I don't want to hear it. Of all things, this is what I should want to hear, right?? How do I make this annoying thing better?? But no. Let's see if I can explain this considering I don't fully understand it myself. And let me warn you that it's not all entirely logical.

First, I don't want to talk about how to make it better, because I don't want to even have this thing that I have to make better in the first place (First sign of lack of logic: don't we all have things to make better?). 99% of people I know have two fully functional arms that they never have to worry about. Why do I have to worry? Why can't I just deal with it. This brings me to the second aspect of my defensiveness. I'm used to my arm the way it is. I have spent nearly 18 years getting used to it, compensating for it, learning how to work around it. I'm doing just fine, so why should I have to try and fix it? (Well, Lise, because it could be more than "fine" and also because you ignoring it will probably make your future painful and uncomfortable...). Ultimately, change is scary and I don't like being told how I need to be fixed. Wasn't I born this way and aren't I doing all right? To those who try to talk to me about improvement: I apologize, but I hope this helps clear up my seemingly illogical response a little. And I do understand and apologize for its remaining holes in logic. I'm pretty much giving into emotions during these conversations, and those are always entirely illogical so it shouldn't be too surprising.

Someone who Always Remembers

It is impossible and ridiculous to expect everyone to always remember my shoulder injury. People I've known forever still hit it, pull it, grab it, and even look at it funny. It's to be expected. There are countless people who go in and out of our lives, and I understand and respect that the big "WARNING" sign on my shoulder isn't permanently visible for many people besides myself. I can't expect it to be a priority for anyone.

Still, there's something very endearing about a person who does seem to always remember. Someone who will wrestle me but avoid attacking my left arm. Someone who will offer massages and remind me to pull my shoulders back and sit up straight. Someone who will ask me questions about it, who will always offer to help but also always let me try on my own, and who won't laugh when I struggle. These are the people who I hope to never let go, and I'm lucky enough to have several of them in my life. So here's to them. Thank you.